Maybe it’s a foreign land, or it’s the break way from normal routine but every night as I put the kids to bed (we only have 1 bed so that’s where all of them bundle up and I have to stay in there with them till they fall asleep), I have time to think, to give thanks for yet another day that we are all safe and we are all together. Did I mention my greatest fear was that I’ll lose my kids in Hong Kong?
Funny, cuz not too long ago, my greatest fear was not having kids. How swift our fears change and morph every day and season. 3 years ago was a time of realization that some things in life – many things in fact – we have no control over. E.g. that elusive A grade, that big promotion, that friendship, that relationship, having children… Really, the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. What am I to do? Kick and scream and whine (which I did a lot of) or say, “I give up. I choose to trust that You are always good no matter what.” While I thank God it was a relatively short time of waiting for K, it was a journey of faith that forced me to acknowledge God is sovereign and that if I cannot learn to release fears now, there will be so many other fears that will continue to plague me at every stage.
joke scary truth about a mum with a newborn asking, “When will my life get back to normal?” The answer is in 21 years or maybe never. And it’s true. From pre-conception to birth and beyond, from caring for an infant, toddler, preschooler and I expect for the rest of the kids’ lives and mine, I will always have fears. Fear I may not carry till full term, fear that he/she may have developmental challenges, fear that he/she will not be smart enough, wise enough, kind enough, cute enough, loving enough, pretty enough, friendly enough, too friendly, too pretty, too cute, too kind that he/she gets bullied etc etc etc… Whatever your worry, I’m sure it’s valid. And the fact is, sometimes, it does seem as the universe is conspiring against you and your children and there seems to be nothing you can do about it.
Except there is. I need to choose to stop worrying and start trusting. That the powerful and loving God I profess is big enough and He is on my side. The Deliverer, Counsellor, Prince of Peace, Immanuel is on our side. It is a daily battle to stop thinking toxic thoughts and step out of the fear but we have to win and overcome. If anything, to show the kids that they can win and overcome their own fears too. Then they will know that it doesn’t matter what their not-enoughs are – God is enough. More than enough.
To my dear dear friends S and K: as you carry your newborn darlings and start your first few months in the trenches, I pray you will start this journey knowing and believing you are good enough. 🙂 God will come through on your behalf and make up the rest.